:(

It's not a happy day for me. I've prepared for the worst, and yes the worst is coming true. I had a blood test this morning to measure my hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) level, the lab says >2 is positive but I'm only at 4. Dr F said that at this point of time, I should be showing 25. So, I'm way way way down below. He said the hCG probably did spike and it's now on the falling level, which means the embryos did not stay "stuck" I wish Dr F would say, "Let me give you a jab to boost it." He said in this case, even the hCG surges, it's not normal. This will mean abnormal embryo growth. So, I guess there is nothing can be done.

Dr F was probably surprised by our coolness in this whole thing. Well, I guess I have prepared for the worse and I didn't expect it to definitely happen though it would have been nice... So what's next.

I will now have to wait for my period to come which should be coming within this week. Otherwise I'll have to go see him again. I will then see him again after 2-3 periods, i.e. January next week probably. This time the procedure remains pretty much the same, he will have to give me additional Growth Hormone to compliment the next cycle of treatment... So I guess I'll definitely fail any dope test if I were to suddenly become a professional athletic!

Anyway... signing off for now until the next cycle begins again...

Today is finally here!

Had a good night sleep, and woke up feeling fresh. So, off we go to the clinic!

Today of all days, my veins are very shy. The nurse at the clinic managed to get it but only manage to draw 0.00002cc blood. Sigh~ So they sent me to the Gribbles lab opposite. We wait for a while because the technician hasn't arrive and they are not open until 9am (we were there 8.45am). Once the lady came, I was soooooo ready and hoping that this is going to be my last time!

Seriously, the vein just won't show - which is normal, but this time they can't even trace ANYTHING! My oh my... I now have 4 puncture holes (3 on left, and 1 on the right). Even when she was trying to draw the blood from the one vein that seems to be more co-operative, it took her forever. She kept pulling and pushing the plunger and my blood to seems to flow so slowly and took her forever to fill up the vial!

Now, all I have to do is: 11am Cyclogest, then have a quickie lunch, then back to the clinic at 1pm for result.

One more day to go...

Tomorrow at this hour, I will be at the Dr F's clinic waiting for my result of blood test. I'm excited and dreaded at the same time. I kept telling myself, whatever the result, it's His will. He will give me strength to go through it. I have been saying the same prayer over and over again since the day of embryo transfer. Whatever the result, I will be thankful for what He has done. He has given me the strength to go this far, so I believe He will continue to give me strength to walk further.

I'm so worried that I'll have spotting that the first time I do when I am in the bathroom is, check my panty liner if it's clean! (I think that is part contributing to my fetish!) Each time it's clean, I'm so happy. If ever there is any spotting means not so good news and I would have been in a frantic and call hubby then the clinic to see if I can see Dr F NOW NOW NOW!!

I have been having minor neglectable cramps on and off. And today (since the morning I woke up), I had only felt once. Under normal circumstances when I'm on my normal cycle, this would mean I'm getting my period tonight or the next day. I hope this is not the case. Just one more day, and I will know if this is just me being paranoid. And again, under normal circumstance, I will have a bit of spotting yesterday and the period will come tomorrow. But I have no spotting, I guess this is comforting... I kept second guessing myself all the time if tomorrow will be positive or negative. Oh ONE MORE DAY!!!

That one more day is not easy to pass... I have been constantly checking out the time. So far my body is not giving me any hint of any sort and I think I read far too much stuff that is making nervous. I totally think I should stop readin this instant about infertility/pregnancy websites. From this moment one, I shall read about other stuff to take my mind off this nerve wrecking moment of truth!

Bad*** Indigestion

Tonight right after dinner, from the moment I sat down on the sofa in the living room, I started to have a wee bit feeling of indigestion. I thought it would go away after awhile... but it didn't. So I made myself a Milo, it's something that I would do when I have ingestion. It got worse throughout our Rosary Prayer. And after prayers, I came back up to my room to take a rest. I couldn't take it so I went through our medication drawer and whipped out the Gaviscon Chewable Tablets. I wasn't sure if I could eat that. So hubby made me Eno instead. But at the same time, it's Cyclogest time. I had to keep to the schedule. So I had extra pillows on my back to lift me up so I could stay in bed and have my Eno. I went online to search if it's safe to have the Gaviscon and it seems that it's ok. But just to be on the safe side, I will give Dr F a call tomorrow to check. If it's ok, I am so gonna bulk order this from people traveling to/from UK to get me supplies of Gaviscon!!!

It took about an hour for the Eno to finally kick in and save me from the pain~~~ I hope this is just one off, and I'll probably have to find my trigger food to have this bada** indigestion!!

Fetish

Ok ok... I'll admit it- I have clean panty liner fetish! There, I've said it. We'll, you see I have perfectly good reason why.

I am still on Cyclogest and there is bound to be some "leakage" no matter how long I stayed in bed after the insertion. As soon as I get ip from the bed, it will leak. I figured since it's wax based stuff, that means it's gonna smell weird, difficult to wash off (from me and the panty), so I figured I keep using panty liner then all is good. But I have the tendency to change it very often- whenever there is a bit of wax, I will change it- no matter how small the area is I will change it. So... I changed about 5 a day I think. But is 5 really overly done? I just want to keep myself clean and subconsciously I think I want to make sure the liner/panty is clean all the time so that I won't miss anything if I have any spotting.

I've since controlled my fetish and downgraded it to category 3 instead of 5 (come to think of it, it could have been a 6 easily).

Am I on track?

I am not sure all these feeling means I'm onto the right track or it's not happening!

The bloating has subsided but once in a while I would get gastric instead.This morning is the 2nd time I had "gastric attack" even when I wasn't feeling hungry. The pain came and gone in like a minute!! Or could this be due to the fact that I've not poo for days now!! I tried but nothing but air would come out.

There were cramps last week and it stopped after Dr F prescribed some meds. But today I can't help the feeling of my period is coming. There is no cramp but internally I can feel something is going on or something is happening... so I don't know if this means I'm on the right track. For these couple of days, I'm suddenly very aware of my body. I've never really tried to FEEL the period coming, or if my tummy is bloated or is it plain simple- I'm fat.

I suddenly have so much of doubt. Gosh!!! The wait is killing me!!!!!

Sunday= last bumbum jab

Today is my last (I hope) Pregnyl and Proluton jab. But the Cyclogest is not ending anytime soon. That will probably be determine by Friday when I go see Dr F. I felt less stretch internally and less bloated. I don't know if that is some sort of sign of what is to come. But I'm still staying in bed moist of the time, walk like an old woman... I totally believe my hormone is running high coz I'm feeling a sensitive?

Doctors and nurses will tell you not to think too much, but how not to when this is one of the biggest moment of your life where you gave in 200% of your time, effort, emotion, physically, EVERYTHING!! I tried not to think too much but seriously, how can I not when I'm not doing much lately besides staying in bed most of the time!!!!! Everyone keeps telling me walk less, stay in bed, walk slowly, don't go to work... sigh and Dr F said just go about with my daily routine!?!?

Sorry for being TMI, I've not poop for 2 days now :( I need to work hard on this subject!!!

Well, just a few more days to go till Friday.

Is it not Sunday today?

I totally felt like it's Sunday today because this would mean a day nearer to the 15th. I can't wait for the day to come and at the same time dread for it. I would love to see a positive, what if it's negative. If it's a positive, how long do I have to wait for the pregnancy to become stable? If it's negative, what's next?

How do I feel physically... well, I don't feel that stretched from the bloating and that make me wonder if I'm even feeling bloated anymore. But during last night's dinner, I ate so little so yes I'm still bloated. But now, I got that bit of feeling that my period is coming. But it's not the same cramps feeling that I had the other day. I don't know if this is a good sign or bad one. So far, I have no spotting at all. but then again it's too early to have any spotting or sort since my actual period isn't until another week. I used to have spotting 2-3 days before my real period would come. So I think by next week, I'll have my tell-tale sign? Until then there is really nothing much that I can do, except to take my medication as prescribed an tomorrow will be another jab- for now it will be the last.

It's only been a week

This has to be the most agonising 2-week a person can ever encounter. It has only been a week and another week to go before I'm due for a check-up and bloodtest.

After having the medication that Dr F gave me, the cramps are gone. I was feeling bloated during dinner time hence didn't eat much. But it's a different kind of bloated feeling as compare to before. I was bloated but I could still eat but last night, I couldn't eat at all. Even my niece asked me why do I rest from eating! Haha. I felt different probably because of the meds- I hope so. I tried no to think too much, but that is easier said than done. I also feel more "sensitive" about my body- I tend to think more why the pain, what could be the same, if I feel hungry is good sign, how come I don't feel as bloated any more... all sorts of question would run across my mind whenever I "felt" something about my body.

For now, I'm continuing my bed rest as much as I can. I pray hard for a positive next week.

Cramps

no no no no!!! I've got cramps last night so am off to see Dr F now :(

UPDATE: Dr F did a tummy scanand showed that my ovaries are still larger than normal which is about 4cm+ so that could be the reason why I have cramps. So Dr F gave me medication for pain and reducing the swelling of the ovaries. I will try to avoid the painkiller if I can.When I had my fibroids removal and keyhole, I didn't have any pain medication after that. So if I can live without the painkiller then, I can avoid it now!

Today at 11am I'll have my Cyclogest and Pregnyl as scheduled. So for now, all is good.

Progesterone-d

I realised that both my once-in-3-days jabs are also progesterone based medication. I feel so progesterone-d. There are so many hormones involved in the whole process that it's back to biology class all over again!

I read that Progesterone increases during the Luteal phase (post ovulation phase) and it helps to support the gestation period (the carrying of the embryo or fetus during pregnancy). Looks like besides having to consume all these Progesterone, there is nothing much I can do during these 2 weeks of waiting.

Bumbum painpain

Today, besides having my Cyclogest at 11am, I need to have additional 2 jabs. One of which had to be done by a nurse or doctor. I went to a normal clinic nearby for the jab, brought my Proluton along, only to be turned away by the doctor!!!! I have a supporting document about my jabs and he refused to do it for me! The irony is, the clinic performs BOTOX injection!! Whatever~~~~~

So I ended up going to another clinic to have my Proluton jab.

When the nurse inserted the needle, I was like "hmmm... ok. This is not as painful as I thought it would have been." When the nurse pushed the solution in, I wasn't feeling a thing. Great! But this was only short moment of bliss... As I was walking out the clinic to the car, I felt that same super inhumane pain on my bumbum!!! Oh my oh my... the pain lingers on for a couple of hours. Well, looks like tonight I won't be sleeping on my right.

Can't sleep...

I don't know if it's because I have been sleeping more than usual in the day that now I can't sleep. I'm wide awake since 3am!!! I twist and turn, add another layer of pillow, lower the temperature of the AC... and I still can't sleep. I kept thinking I'm sleeping at the right position. Am I allowed to sleep only side- that's how I usually fall asleep. And I normally sleep on my stomach!!! I'm certain I can't do this anymore! Now I've got to try to get use to sleeping on my back and avoid sleeping on my side- at least for now.

I guess I can only try to sleep as comfortably with the right position. For now is on my back I guess. This is like getting a new bed, sleeping in a foreign place... Even sleep is harder besides walking super slowly up and down the stairs!

2 more agonising week

I was in the OT from about 12.15pm and waiting for my bladder to be full. And this is the part that I dreaded the most. I'm terrible in holding my pee. I've got to go when I've got to go!! I tried to keep myself as calm as possible and try not to think about it. I looked around the OT, sing in my head, say a little prayer... after almost 40minutes the nurse says that is time and they prep me further. At this time, I can barely hold my pee. My prayers intensified at this moment, "Give me STRENGTH oh Lord." I kept repeating this!!!

At about 1pm, nurse got me all prepped and Dr F came me and ask me to relax if I can. And he asked if I feel full, I told him, "Yes, very." And so he started all the work down there. My only thought, "Grant me strength."

And so it's all over by 1.15pm. All 3 embryos transferred and now I can only wait. And this is what I wore to the clinic :)

And there are 3 of them...

Dr F said he retrieved 5 eggs and 4 were good enough to be fertilized and 3 were successfully fertilized. And all three are healthy embryo with the highest grade! So quantity doesn't matter and in my case quality counts!

So Dr F told us about all the risk involved. In every 10 transfer of 3 embryos, only 1 case that will carry all 3 to full term. Hubby and I spoke about it this morning, if 3 means we shall transfer 3 so the decision was already made and is made.

Now I'm waiting for 11.45 to come and the nurse shall prep me into OT for transfer.

Today is the finally here!

Today is the day for embryo transfer! I'm so excited. Until now I won't know how eggs were harvested or how many successfully grown into healthy embryo! We will make a decision today on how many to transfer based on how many good ones are there. I hope they all grow healthily!

I also have the feeling that I will have more meds to be inserted... *sweat*

Stay tune!